BUHAY TAMBAY!

Some words and languages may not be suitable for some readers. Parental guidance is advised! Haha!

Last night Auntie Linda said “oh Dane, sabi ng Uncle Olet mo… mag breakfast daw tayo bukas! He’ll be here early! Ready na ikaw bukas ah…”

Morning’s here… the morning’s here! Bright and early I woke up alive and ready to face the day! (haha!)

Yun, around 7 eh I was ready… Auntie Linda didn’t cook breakfast kasi nga kakain kami. So we had toast and milk/ OJ/ water! Hehe! Aba… Dumating sila dito ng 10… umalis kami ng 11! So our breakfast turned to lunch! Gutom but still ok! J

Kain kami sa Chinese restaurant… Biglang nag datingan yung mga (as in MGA) waitress… “Dimsum Sir…?”, “Pork spare ribs Ma’am…?”, “Chinese broccoli Sir…?”, “Roasted duck Ma’am…?”. As in sabay sabay sila! May dalang cart with the pika-pika! Even dessert cart eh nandun! Taranta and all eh Uncle Olet said yes to all that was offered to him. Nung linapag na yung pagkain eh puno na agad yung table! And appetizers pa lang yun! We ordered our main dish. Parang lahat ata kami eh um-order ng sarili naming pagkain. When the waiter served our food eh the dish was I think good for 2-3 persons! So we have this food good for 10-15 people and a whole mess of appetizers and 5 lang kaming kakain! If only you could see our table! Haha!

On to my post! Eto yung mga payo sa akin ng mga Tita at Tito ko:

Payo number 1. (while eating)

Auntie Linda: HOY DANIEL! KUMAIN KA NG GULAY! PUNYEMAS TO! HINDI KA TATABA DYAN! DIET DIET PA! HAHAHAHA! HUY! KAIN! (habang dinuduro duro ako ng chop sticks!)

Payo number 2. (while eating pa din)

Auntie Sonya: (inabot yung gulay) Oh… eto yung gulay oh… kain ka… wag mo galitin ang Auntie Linda mo! ngahahahaha! (panginsultong tawa!)

Tapos na kumain. Alis na kami… Hinatid na namin ang Auntie Linda sa bahay (‘cuz Kuya Junjun is not feeling well) and ang Auntie Sonya naman eh hinatid na din namin ‘cuz she has to go to work. Then Uncle Poldo, Uncle Olet and I went to Uncle Ben and Auntie Mary’s house.

Payo number 3. (while discussing my SSN issue)

Uncle Ben: Talaga namang tarantadong punyemas na mga taga SSN nayan eh! Di ka binigyan!?! Eh ito eh biruin mo eh sabi nila patay na daw ako! Pinakita pa yung computer eh patay na daw ako!?! That happened to me twice! That’s bullshit! I said ‘I’m old but I’m not dead! Touch me! Touch me!’.  Kalokohan yan! Dane, aba, kumuha ka ulit ng SSN at pag di ka binigyan eh jump over the counter and hit them in the head one by one! Hanggang bigyan ka nila!

Payo number 4. (while Uncle Ben is lecturing me about SSN)

Uncle Poldo: Wag kang makikinig dyan sa Uncle Ben mo na yan… matanda na yan!

Payo number 5. (enter Auntie Mary)

Auntie Mary: Hoy! Hoy! Hoy! Eh kayo mag kape na muna kayo dyan! Aba, si Dane pala iyon! Hijo, mag ahit ka nga palagi at mukha kang bata!

Payo number 6. (while driving home)

Nobody was cracking jokes, everybody was quiet! His payo was seriously delivered…

Uncle Olet: Dane, alam mo basta mabuti ka lang dito sa America eh magiging ayos ka! Alam mo naman tayo eh pumapatay! Alam mo eh pumapatay tayo kapag inaapi tayo. Pero dito eh wag ka pumatay! Pag may nang aapi sayo eh tumawag ka ng pulis! Don’t harm anybody!

Sila ang aking mga advisers! Now you know bakit ako ganito! Hahaha! Ang sweet nila noh!?! J

Anyway, there is this F.O.B. (fresh off the boat, as if ako hindi! Haha!) there na may book “Joke, Joke, Joke!” and he was reading it to us! He’s telling corny stupid jokes… He asked us “Anong puno ang di pwedeng akyatin?”. I looked at him and he saw me… He said “Aaaah! Alam ni Dane! Nangiti sya eh!” (I didn’t even moved a muscle! Anong pinag sasasabi nyang ngumiti ako!?!) in fairness… alam ko ang sagot… ang sagot eh nakatumbang puno! *NGAK!* But I kept the answer to my self… Umiling lang ako and smiled and said “di ko po alam!”

The jokes never stopped! I swear! NEVER! I wanna get up and leave the table but where would I go!?! So yun, other visitors came and syempre asking kung sino ako… But there was this one lady na natawa ako (as my friend Carla T. would say “STRIKING” sya) kasi I was talking to this old lady beside me. She was talking to me in English so it is just proper that I answer back in English right? Anyway, yun nga, there was this lady who said “Hi! Nice to see you!” gave me a beso… and rubbed my shoulders! “It’s so nice that you came!” and then I smiled and said “Yeah… hihi…!”. (Still rubbing my shoulders) She asked another lady “Sino ba ito?” thinking that I do not understand Tagalog… So I stretched out my hand to her and introduced myself… I said “Anak po ako ni… Pamangkin po ako ni…”. Surprised and embarrassed she just said “Kumain ka na hijo?”.

Well, Ok, eto na yung mga super corny F.O.B. jokes na naaalala ko:

*     Anong sport ang linalaro ni Dracula? –BATminton! (Lame… kala ko SOCCER!) haha!

*     Anong bangko ang ginagamit ni Dracula? –Blood bank

*     Anong bulaklak ang elastic? –GOMAmela

*     Anong gulay and studious? –kalaBASA

*     Anong gulay ang hindi mo makita? –Gabi (dito ako na weirdo-han!) haha!

*     Anong hayop ang paa ay nasa ulo? –Kuto

*     Anong bansa and hindi sikat? –Laos

*     Anong bansa ang humihingi ng halik? –Pakistan

Di ko na kaya alalahanin yung ibang jokes… sumasakit ang ulo ko sa sobrang corny! Hahaha! Pero on this one eh he kinda stepped on my superior intellect by his comment (superior intellect!) haha!

*     Anong bansa ang malungkot tuwing Thanksgiving? –Turkey

Eto comment nya… “Ah eto di masasgot ‘to ni Dane kasi wala syang alam dito sa America!” What the…!?! musmos pa lang ako eh alam ko na na ang kinakain sa Thanksgiving eh turkey! And di ko kailangan makapunta sa America para malaman ko ano ang Thanksgiving and ano ang kinakain nila! (Galit oh! Affected oh!) haha! Wala yun… nagalusan lang naman ang aking pagka-tao! Haha!

I hope you like his jokes… kasi ako, ayaw ko…! kawawa naman! Kidding! J

Earlier I was talking to my friend… Wala lang… kamusta, kamusta! He asked me regarding my employment status, etc… etc… But to make the long story short, he suggested that I ask our friend from work (na nasa NY na) for help. I said “No! Pride kicking in!” and he said “Whatever! Tigilan mo ako ah! kahit matanda ka eh pipingutin ko tenga mo!”

Well I paused and thought about what he said… MATANDA! Hmmm… naalala ko lang kaninang umaga that I had a realization… When I dropped Melanie off to school I saw moms dropping off their sons and/or daughters! I said to myself… “There’s something wrong with this picture…” Well… I am neither a mom nor old enough to have a 2^nd year high school daughter! That is what’s wrong… Haaay! I feel sooooo old already! I feel that I belong to the group of moms… A group called the “soccer moms!”

I told him my apprehension. Then he started cracking jokes about me turning into a soccer mom… He said “it will start with hatid sundo sa school. Then you’ll meet other moms, ask you to van pool. Then you will treat the children pizza. And then on the weekends you will bake cookies and help the Girl Scouts sell their Girl Scout cookies!” At first I was laughing like crazy ‘cuz it was funny… and I denied all the allegations of course! But then it hit me! Hmmm… nag hahatid-sundo ako sa school… I waved and smiled at the other moms next to where I park… The van I’m driving can be used as a van pool… I buy pizza for my nieces and nephew and I helped them bake cake… not cookies! But still, I help them bake!  Waaaaah!!! I’m a soccer mom!  Not that there is anything wrong with that… It’s just that I don’t feel like being called one… “Soccer mom” sounds kinda old! And believe me I am nowhere close of being called old! I’m in my mid of my mid-life! (Denial!) Hahaha!

Mid of my mid-life!?! Heck! One more mid eh I’m there! Shet!

Haaay! Whatever! Call me soccer mom for all I care… hmmmpf! Hate it! Haha!

Friendster updated their blog and it kinda messed up my posts… so I’ll be arranging all my stuff again and put back all my pictures, links, and whatever… by next week eh those should be imported already (yun yung sabi nila)

Oh yeah… they asked me if I would like to try out their ALL-NEW BLOG 2.0. I said yes… so eto… kagulo! Ayusin ko na lang ulit! haaay!

Since I got here I always try to do things I haven’t done before like buy from an ice cream truck, carve and eat turkey for thanks giving, sculpt a pumpkin for Halloween, dress up as green lantern and go trick or treating… (I know… I’m too old for that, no violent reactions please!) haha! Well, this day I had my first experience of a traffic jam! Every day I take Melanie to school and pick her up in the afternoon, take her to school… pick her up… I thought it would be that easy… But this morning was kinda different… While on our way to school, we saw this long line of cars on the freeway going back. I asked Melanie if there is another way home ‘cuz that traffic will take forever! She said “Yes there is… I’ll just set it up on the GPS”. So she did and she also gave me directions… She set the GPS going home using least freeway use. She said “remember the amphitheatre (where the warped tour was held)? The GPS will take you there, you’re not gonna use the freeway… after that set the GPS going home… choose the option fastest route, you’ll use the freeway but you will pass the traffic already”. Ok, sounds simple… So I started my journey way home… I arrived at the amphitheatre, and I did not use the freeway. I parked and set the GPS as instructed… All was going well, until I was about to go on the freeway entrance (where I should have passed the traffic)… It was closed for some reason! Panicked but clearheaded (Hahaha! Defensive! Hahaha!), I drove forward and tried to look for a parking spot to see if there is another way home… So everything was set again… Double checked the settings… HOME and LEAST USE OF FREEWAY… good to go! Woohooo! So yun! I started driving again, and then the GPS told me to enter the freeway! The same freeway I was supposed to take! The closed freeway! I said “what the… whaaa? Bakit!?!” I thought she (I address the GPS as a she, boses babae kasi sya) would take me home without using the freeway…? I said “shet tanga naman yang GPS na yan! Sinungaling!” well on the contrary… ako pala ang tanga… kasi sabi naman sa setting eh LEAST use of freeway hindi NO use of freeway! So maybe there is no other way to get home but through the traffic! So I travelled back and did my normal route home… as expected… traffic! Haha! Pero ok lang… I was just enjoying the experience… eating my Ding Dong, dancing to the beat on the radio, and sightseeing! Haha! Anyway, there was an accident, may nabangga na kotse… kumping kupi yung harap at likod and sunog… again, akala ko sa pelikula lang nangyayari yung mga ganun! Yun, I hope nobody got hurt…

By the way, I only take like 15 mins. to get home… pero kanina it took me almost an hour and a half, traffic and getting lost combined! Hehe! An hour and a half…? Not bad for a heavy traffic!